# The Person You Mean to Be ## Metadata * Author: [[Chugh, Dolly]] ## Highlights As a result, we confuse equality and equity. Equality says we treat everyone the same, regardless of headwinds or tailwinds. Equity says we give people what they need to have the same access and opportunities as others, taking into account the headwinds they face, which may mean differential treatment for some groups. We see a meritocracy where one does not exist. — location: [1194]() ^ref-2353 --- “I can’t imagine that a black version of my family would have been able to provide for us materially in the same way that they did. That is neither good nor bad, but it makes me rethink the whole bootstraps story. Did they pull themselves up or were they pulled up?” — location: [1324]() ^ref-29081 --- Computer simulations illustrate how slivers of bias can lead to huge advantage gaps.15 Psychologists Richard Martell, David Lane, and Cynthia Emrich ran a computer simulation that assumed an organization of five hundred people for whom performance ratings determined promotions. Half could earn a performance rating on a scale from 1 to 100. Half could earn a performance rating on a scale from 1 to 101; this is the sliver of bias in their favor. The simulation ran through twenty promotion cycles to mimic twenty years in an organization. That teeny advantage made a huge difference in who rose through the ranks. By the end, only 35 percent of the senior employees came from the 1-to-100 group while two-thirds came from the 1-to-101 group. This “meritocracy,” with just a sliver of bias, generated exactly the type of systemic effect that disadvantages entire groups in the real world. If such a sliver can create such a gap, imagine what hundreds of years of widespread systemic bias will do. — location: [1356]() ^ref-19055 --- Most white people in the United States are in the first stage, which is characterized by a lack of awareness of race, a color-blind/color-mute approach, and a strong belief in meritocracy. — location: [2126]() ^ref-26712 --- Our default mode is willful ignorance. Our psychology will not naturally lead us to see what is different than what we believe and what is contrary to what we want. Our geography will not naturally lead us to people different than us. Our sociology will not naturally lead us to diverse networks. Still, while our default mode is willful ignorance, we can opt for willful awareness. — location: [2183]() ^ref-8572 --- In his book Racism Without Racists, sociologist Eduardo Bonilla-Silva explains how color-blindness sets the stage for “color-blind racism,” ways of thinking that rely on non-race-related justifications for the vast differences in life outcomes between races.19 He writes that “at the heart of color-blindness . . . lies a myth: the idea that race has all but disappeared as a factor shaping the life chances of all Americans.” Through extensive interviews and survey data, Bonilla-Silva finds that many white people hold an ideology about race in which race is not relevant, which leads to the logical outcome that racial inequities are the fault of the minority group. — location: [2453]() ^ref-28159 --- Few of us are good listeners. Most of us think faster than others speak, creating the potential for significant mind wandering. Immediately after we hear someone speak, we have likely already forgotten about half of what was said, even when we were listening carefully.9 — location: [2739]() ^ref-43635 --- Media narratives are also mirrors, reflecting back our own humanity. Some of us see ourselves represented positively and accurately in those images. Others rarely do, as we heard about earlier in the “epidemic of invisibility” media studies. Comedian Aziz Ansari satirized this underrepresentation when he recalled being asked if he was excited about Slumdog Millionaire, a movie featuring multiple actors of South Asian descent, like Ansari.3 “And I was like, Yeah! I am! I have no idea why, though, as I had nothing to do with that movie! It’s just that some people who kinda look like me are in it, and everyone loved it and it won some Oscars and stuff. And then I was like, whoa whoa whoa—are white people just psyched all the time? It’s like, Back to the Future—that’s us! Godfather—that’s us! Jaws—that’s us! Every f–ing movie but Slumdog Millionaire and Boyz n the Hood is us!” — location: [2901]() ^ref-15852 --- Finally, a word of warning about a specific form of media: local news. Research has shown that black males are overrepresented as perpetrators and underrepresented as victims on local TV news, as compared to actual arrest reports.8 News reports are also more likely to portray black males as nameless,9 and to share information about any prior arrests as opposed to white males.10 This bias may be unconscious or it may be a deliberate stoking of fear and ratings. Either way, if we are watching the news to know what is true about what is going on in our backyard, we are not getting it. We can steer the conversation by not watching any local news program with this orientation. — location: [2936]() ^ref-25574 --- In chapter 7, we debunked the difference-blind, difference-mute approach (e.g., color-blindness and tolerance). This approach is what many of us are consciously or unconsciously teaching our children. For example, researchers found that almost none of the white mothers in their study discussed race with their children (ages 4 to 5) even when sharing books that directly or indirectly dealt with race.11 Tailwinds make these discussions unnecessary. Meanwhile, children of color do have these conversations with their parents, early and often, because they are necessary to survive the headwinds. — location: [2947]() ^ref-59033 --- This silence is particularly destructive given what we know about how children build narratives starting in infancy. For example, when psychologists asked children (ages 5 to 10) for an explanation of why the first forty-three presidents were white (this study was conducted in 2006), 26 percent of the children believed it was illegal for a black person to be president.12 In the absence of a narrative being provided to them or constructed with them, they had created a narrative complete with cause and effect. Another study found that by the age of about 5 or 6, white children show the same implicit biases as their mothers.13 Our silence creates a loud narrative. — location: [2953]() ^ref-38543 --- Global change consultant Susan Lucia Annunzio leads the Center for High Performance. Long ago, we worked together and she taught me the 20/60/20 rule she uses to help companies through massive culture change initiatives.14 She challenged the prevailing view that change efforts needed to convert every employee. Her insight was that there are three types of individuals in organizations facing change. One group of 20 percent is on board with the change and ready to go. Another 20 percent will resist or even sabotage your efforts; they will drain your energy. The leverage rests with the “movable middle” 60 percent; they are reading the room and can be influenced by either 20 percent group.* Educating and occasionally confronting others is taxing work and we cannot possibly act on every opportunity or be effective in influencing everyone. We are wise to prioritize. The 20/60/20 rule offers guidance on which of those opportunities to act on and which to pass on. — location: [3175]() ^ref-56723 --- “If you have an opportunity to correct somebody or to show them another perspective, I think that it is important, because people just don’t know. I didn’t wake up knowing. Nobody is born woke.” — location: [3315]() ^ref-9981 --- One of the hardest parts of showing support is sitting with someone else’s pain, especially when there is nothing we can do to make it better. I have long believed that hell is not a place where we ourselves suffer. Hell is where you watch people you care about suffer and can do nothing about it. When we sit with pain, we feel helpless, which makes many of us want to turn away. — location: [3513]() ^ref-58227 --- Of course, situations vary, and these tips will not apply in all situations. The key, though, is recognizing that silence is often heard as a lack of support. Words are less important than intentions, and if your intention is to be supportive, silence is rarely the way to go. — location: [3531]() ^ref-5649 ---